As This Comes To Be
by MsLanna
Summary: Following an RC squad through the war. Diary format with short entries. You have been warned. OCs with sprinkles of Skirata.
1. Chapter 1

As This Comes To Be

RC 9720 reporting in unhappy with the proceedings. They might just as well have thrown us into a shabla volcano. The whole mission was as badly planned as they come. I have never seen such an amount of commanding incompetence in one place. And swinging lightsabers too, no less.

I have lost Sev and Ogle down there. I have seen whole _squads_ wiped out. I pity those most who went home alone. The orange dust clings to the armour like a mockery of blood. I clean it of diligently because it will clog the hinges otherwise, block the vibro knives, mess up the air filters.

It also gives my hands something to do, if not my head. Whoever planned this mission should be sent right back to Kamino. Tab is in med bay, being put back together like a puzzle, probably with parts from everybody else. The sheer waste of it makes me angry. Do they think there's an endless supply of us?

Probably.

Well, I could tell them one thing: there isn't. Especially not of Commandos.

Maybe they will realise this now, that there is a good deal less of us. Do they think we grow on trees? Do they know how long it took to train and perfect us? And they don't take ten minutes of time to plan a frigging assault? If I had had a granny, she would have done better. _I_ could have done better and I have not been the brightest bulb in the drawer if I can trust my trainer on that.

Just a few hours ago I would have laughed at the idea not to. But I have been taught that Jedi were a good idea and great leaders, and I have seen how much truth there is to _that_. So I will doubt everything. We have been taught to fight, yes. But we have also been taught to _think_. Maybe somebody forgot about that.


	2. Chapter 2

His name is Sev and he can't help it. I can't help it either.

They arrived shortly after I had, the quarter being small even for transport. Bunk beds for four, lockers just big enough for the gear, one fresher big enough to stand in. Guess, we won't be here long. Or so I hope. Close spaces are good for bonding, but this is over the top. At least they didn't send me another sarge.

Sev and Staples look at me. They don't know me anymore than I know them. But I am supposed to be their leader. They know and they want to know who I am. Sev sports a long scar across his head. It starts just above his left eye runs up over his forehead and around his skull as if somebody had tried to scalp him. Staples looks as if he hadn't received a single wound in all his training. He smiles. So he's the sociable joker. Tab won't be happy.

"So where is he?" Sev asks pointing his head at the free bunk over my head.

"Med bay, getting put back together," I reply. "Name's Tab, boom expert."

Staples nods. "Good, I'm comms and meds." Then he looks at Sev.

I cannot. Sev died on Geonosis and this zombie is not bringing him back.

"Sniper." He hesitates for a moment. "Ugly stuff, too."

"Priest?" I ask looking him up and down. He looks a likely candidate. And I know he taught his men about 'ugly stuff' just as well as Diez taught us. On each other if necessary. My fingers curl into a fist at the thought of it.

There's something flickering through his eyes before he shakes his head once. "Priest."

"Gilamar," Staples throws in, trying to lighten the mood.

So we're all Mando trained. Diez might have pointed out the differences between himself and sissies like Gilamar. But there is a guy trained by Diez' buddy Priest and he lost his squad as much as Staples did. The differences might not be so huge after all.

"Do you think they'll put us to work without Tab?" he goes on. He tries to be one squad, he really does.

"I don't know." I really don't. I wished he was back already, the only bit of home I still have. I pity those who went from Geonosis alone because they have no home to return to. Truth be told, I am unwilling to share mine.

Sev knows. He doesn't want to share either. Whatever happened down there is his and his alone. He can have it. I don't want it. I don't want him. I want Sev back who joked with Tab and threw his dry rats at Ogle.

Staples tries too hard. I can understand his yearning, but I still have Tab. I wish he was back already.


	3. Chapter 3

Tab is back.

He looks patched up, like a jigsaw of scars holding him together.

And he gets along like a house on fire with Staples. I know why this annoys me. But Tab is happy and it helps him recover. They considered naming his newly acquired body parts after dead squad members. You never know, they say.

It is the one thing where I side with Sev; we won't have it.

I take offence at how fast Tab gets over the deaths of Sev and Ogle. They were family, the only we had. And now he is treating Staples as if he had been here all the time, as if we really were _vode an_. He doesn't understand why I don't, I can't. I sit with Sev in silence and we glare, not even at each other.

Our next mission is only hours away. We have to be a working unit. It is my responsibility.

"You want to get out of the next one alive?" I ask Sev.

He thinks about it for a long time. Finally he nods. "Somebody has to be there to remember."

I look at Tab and agree. We who remember make them more than numbers. We check our gear and when Tab starts to hum _Vode An_, I find myself humming along with Staples. Sev keeps stubbornly silent. I would be a better sarge if I could mind.


	4. Chapter 4

It was only a simple recon and destroy mission. No Jedi, no opposition to speak of. Run, look, run.

For working together for the first time it went fine. There was a suspicious lack of chatter from Tab and Staples. I suspect they created their own little channel to exchange their remarks.

I feel excluded.

"He's doing that on purpose." Sev appearing at my left elbow like a ghost. I ignore him.

"Because you remind him of the two as won't come back."

I look back at him. "He's blaming me." It is almost a question.

"'Course," he replies and turns back to his sniper gun. "You're the sarge." Diligently he starts cleaning it. I turn my attention back to Tab who turns his back at me. On purpose. Because I am the sarge and responsible. For all of us. Always have been.

And Sev and Ogle are dead. There is no denying it, no denying my failure. Maybe Tab wants another sarge, but who can take him on but one who also failed and lost one of his? There is no way out of Tab's mess. But I'm the sarge and I am responsible. If there is a way, I will find it.

I sit down across Sev and watch his hands because they move and their movement has nothing to do with me. He doesn't seem to mind, maybe he doesn't even notice.

"Sire, Trench and Scarface," he says finally.

"Ogle and Tab," I add softly. Then I glance at Staples. "Twobit, Snap and Xes."

"Excess?"

"X-es. Had lots of sixes in his number."

There is nothing left to say.


	5. Chapter 5

"Blast it, Sev! What were you thinking?"

"That he'd look prettier with a neat hole in his head." He doesn't even look up from cleaning his sniper gun. He does that a lot as if it was the meaning of his life.

The mission had been easy enough. All we had to do was get Sev into position and all _he_ had to do was shoot one ambassador. They don't come easier than that! And what does that clown do? Shot the ambassador and a Geonosian who happened to be within his range. I want to throttle him. But that would leave me with Tab who is still mostly ignoring me and Staples who seems undecided on the topic.

Now there will be questions and awkward answers.

But they will be my awkward questions and answers. Because I am the leader and I am responsible. I have to. If they want Sev, they have to get past me. This is the decision I made. My squad, like it or not. Tab may not believe and never do so again. Staples needs it. Sev is - Sev. Like it or not. My squad.

Mine.


	6. Chapter 6

They did not skewer the squad.

Sergeant Skirata has been reinstalled to the army and he is understanding about things like Sev shooting random Kaminoans. Stupid. You don't let something like that slip. If Sev can't hold on to his professionalism, he has no place in a squad, let alone mine.

I told him so much in no uncertain terms but I am not sure what will happen. He didn't say a word and looked mostly as if his mind was somewhere else. We have been reassigned to even less interesting work. Mostly we scout planets for droid factories and cells of Separatist activists.

Not much chance to excel, but also not much chance for Sev to mess up again. And he does not. As things stand we work pretty well together. Tab and Staples already move like a unit again. Sometimes I envy their easy bond. But I don't pressure Tab. He will come around of his own one day or he will not. I have to accept it.

Staples seems caught between his urge to make us all one squad and Tab's rejection of me. But I signal that it is okay and I understand. No need to make it hard on him too. The scars stand out on his skin still and keep reminding me of what is at stake here. I will not - _will_ not - lose a man again.

I keep an eye on Sev and he know I am watching.

Still, I don't think I ever felt that alone before, that on my own. But I have lost too much already to lose my certainty as well.


	7. Chapter 7

There's nothing for bonding like being under fire.

We huddle behind the meagre cover waiting for Sev. I pray he didn't run into some Kaminoans along his way and stopped for a friendly shooting. I use a lull in the firing to get out a few shots myself and check the surroundings. Of course, one can always do that with the HUD, even if huddled behind a stack of crates, but I prefer to really see what is around me.

The Sep terror cell is fanning out to get behind us. Very well. I shoot at them a bit more to keep them occupied. There is no need to tell them that there's only three of us here. Do they even know how many men make up a squad? The icon for Sev's helmet shows a clear view of the streets now. Beside me I can feel Tab and Staples getting ready.

So Sev has not run into any Kaminoans.

A select few shots ring out followed by silence. We move out as one and it feels good to be back in action. My _vode_ have my back again as I have theirs. We are an unstoppable force.

Sev joins us again as we retreat.

Mission accomplished.

"Found no Kaminiise?", Stapled teases over the comm.

"Sarge promised me fish fingers for dinner if I behave," Sev returns deadpan.

It is the first time I hear him joke. It really is good to be back to normal. If only for a moment.

"Ew," Tab chimes in. "Bony, grey and tasteless, _vod_. You can have mine too."

And I don't care what it will take, but fish fingers for dinner it is.


	8. Chapter 8

Normalcy lasted only so long.

It was to be expected, but it still hurts. Am I too proud to admit to it? Possibly. Especially to Tab. He is forming a dyad with Staples inside the squad. That is bad. Staples knows and he tries to work against it as well, but when he does not, a dyad it is.

But we are back to normal missions and there is only one squad under fire. Maybe it is the wrong reason to wish for as much work as we can get. But when I hear Tab on the comm, back to our old routines and the trust that was, I cannot help but to long for the past.

We're currently employed on Jerust, a dirtball located somewhere in the Outer Rim. Another of those useless missions and a huge waste of time. We did a meticulous recce of the biggest town on the southern continent which is a Sep base. We could prove that much.

And now we wait. It's grating on me. Sev seems to be on stand-by whenever he is off duty. Tab and Staples form half a squad wanting nothing. I find myself watching them uncertain what to do. Sometimes Staples looks back at me, his glance half helpless half opposing.

I can do nothing. I do things by the book; watch duty rotation, camp chores, relief patterns - I align them to the rules to a t. I cannot make myself assailable. Tab is watching me when he thinks I don't see. I don't tell him I see. Instead I wonder what it is that he needs so badly.

I wonder what Diez would have done. I can think of nothing. It didn't happen, You didn't turn your back on the Sarge, he'd have you dead within the second. I cannot kill Tab, I cannot even consider hurting him. Wish Diez had shown us a plan B for this kind of situation.

With my back against the steep rock face I let the rays of the sinking sun burn through my closed lids. Sev is on guard. Save my soul, but I trust him more than Tab right now.


	9. Chapter 9

It has taken ten days - ten _shabla_ days! - for the small group of Seps to arrive. I wonder how well the war is going for the Republic if they can afford to ground us on a planet like this to wait for a single target to show up.

But grounded we were. Ten days with nothing to do. Even Tab and Staples were running out of inconspicuous activities. And that means trouble, as it won't stop them. Well, they have something sensible to do now. Sev and Tab break down the camp as Staples helps me getting up the interception.

The small avalanche of stones and sand hurtles down the slope, forcing the speeders to stop. For a second they form a perfect target before they give their pretence and split up. At least we have the right guys. Sev signals readiness.

More rubble fills the narrow canyon. There is no way they can cross it. The door of the first speeder opens cautiously. A human get out, checking the surroundings carefully before proceeding to the blockade. They are expecting an ambush. But expecting it and holding it back are two very different things.

I check on Staples' icon. He is creeping towards the back of the convoy slowly. From the distance it is normally impossible to tell who is inside the speeders, but we have a very special toy. Staples is mirroring Staples' movements on the other side of the ravine, perfectly synchronous. Between them the scan field swipes through the speeders, getting pictures clear as daylight.

"Got him." Tab relays the accurate position of the target.

"Me too," Sev replies. I can see his rifle lining up with his HUD. "Come out, come out."

That's the signal. "Go, go, go!"

The three of us slide down into the canyon blasters blazing. We're not very worried about the Seps firing back, we got kit. As expected they pour out of the speeders like water. But we know how many they are and where. There is not much they can do.

By the time we finally get to the target he's already done himself in. I shrug. It was not a seize mission anyway. Staples ascertains his death and makes pictures for HQ. "You really should do something about that indigestion of yours, Tab," he comments on the rumbling.

"That's not me for a change," Tab protests. We look at each other. The chakka-chakka of of aircrafts now unmistakable.

"Not the cavalry, I suppose?" Staples finished his documentation.

"Not ours, at least," I have to agree.

"Fun," Tab grunts.

"Nope, four," Sev corrects him. "Coming in from the south-east."

Great. Just great.


	10. Chapter 10

"Staples, transmit the date to Sev," I order, "Sev, comm silence." That way he'll most likely get away even if we don't. One to report. But also one alive. My squad, my responsibility. "Cover."

We took to the wrecked speeders. There was not much to work with, none of them looked as if it could take down an aircraft down. "Tally?"

"Nothing worth looking at," Tab reported back.

"Ugly interior and an even ugly driver," Staples said. "But he has a pretty thermal detonator on him."

That were three too few if we managed to take down a ship with one. There was still the problem of getting it up high enough to detonate them instead of us.

"Got elastics and a beautifully Y-shaped piece of coachwork," Tab supplies suddenly a lot more optimistic.

"I'll keep their eyes away from you then." If we could use the ship we ground to take down the remaining ones, we might have a chance. If, and if again. But there's no helping it. I take up an almost visible position and wait for the ships's arrival.

There's indeed four of them. Light freighters converted for warfare. Six guns on each, bolted on and leaving gaps in the armour plating. Good. We only have to get one and use it. Before they kill us. I make a run for a different spot of cover and the craft turn to focus on me. So far so good.

Suddenly a red blaster bolt comes from the top of the canyon taking out one of the ships. Predictably two of the other one zoom in on that position while the third covers them. Rocks and rubble rain down as they slag Sev's position and I am certain that there are bits of Kartan rig flying among them.

Cold anger grips me. I would like to attack the craft with my hands, but that would not help anybody. I have to wait and make our move count. The covering ship has it's blindest side turned towards us. I signal Staples to launch out grenade. It shoots up into the air just as another blaster shot whizzes over our heads.

It takes me a second to realise that they came from the canyon and not the ships. Not the position Sev had last taken. But they had to be from him. High precision, too. The shot hits home, catching the ship just behind the forward turret. That is a tiny weakness.

Tab and Staples are less taken with the precision shooting as with taking over the first grounded ship. I can see Tab's icon line up with the side canon of it and pointing it into the sky. A short salvo later the last ship is on its short way down. As the crashing sounds die off a fourth icon pops up again on my HUD.

Sev.

He's almost swaggering down the slope, his utility belt the only stark white contrast on his bodysuit. He has his sniper across is back, and the maniac grin is audible in his voice. "Say, did you find my kit, _vode_?"

"Ew! cover yourself!" Tab replies immediately. "You're not decent."

"With the time we got until extraction arrives we could build you something nice out of these." I indicate the four downed ships. "Neat work. You are forgiven for disobeying direct orders."

I can feel their stares, but there are rules and they are there for a reason. Not that I care right now. I'd break any rule to keep my squad alive.

"Looke here!" Staples approaches waving a twisted knee plate over his head. "Somebody has been very careless with his gear."

"It convinced them that I was dead." Sev takes the useless piece and turns it over in his hands. "That should teach them."

It should, though I didn't think it would. If the Seps could learn anything, they would have realised by now they could not take us down. But they hadn't and we were still fighting. No, I was not optimistic about them learning their lesson.


	11. Chapter 11

What did I say? The Seps did not learn anything. We have been jumping from mission to mission for weeks, like fire-fighters. Stomping out one brushfire just to get sent to the next while the first gets time to flare up again. I get the decided feeling that somebody is running this war on a whim instead by the book.

Sev took his berating without a word. And there has been no breach or procedure again. Not that it is difficult. There is more than enough instances of 'P for Plenty', 'Fire at Will', or 'whatever works' in the rules.

And there are a lot of Fire At Will missions. It feels as if we're on a genocide to remove any Wills from the galaxy. Shabla, separatist, tinny Wills. Tab and Staples are all over the stupid joke. There seems to be no end to the groanworthy ways you can use 'will' in possibly ambiguous and funny ways.

Sometimes I envy Sev who simply doesn't seem to hear them. Once he starts to take his sniper rifle apart, the rest of the world can go shab itself. Wish I could that, but I cannot. The rift between Tab and me is still there. Not as visible as before, but all the more painful because of that. I am running out of ideas. And I don't like it. I should be able to solve any problem. I am responsible.

I even asked Skirata about it. The last resort for any question. I could have asked General Jusik, who is our official contact, but I won't go to any Jedi for anything. They're trouble and we're fine without them. Sergeant Skirata said to give Tab more time. But I am impatient. We are brothers for crying out loud.

But I cannot reach him.

"You're trying too hard, sarge," he says.


	12. Chapter 12

I can't stop trying.

When I see Tab, it is just an automatic reaction. We're brothers, treat me like one!

Only combat action can achieve it. I should give up, but I cannot. And the urge to see action just to feel that we are one squad is not good for the morale of it. Sev knows, and I think so does Tab. Still, when I can come by a break from work I do.

Just enjoy moment like these the more. They are precious and the slow motion of too much adrenaline as we race across the open space towards the factory has to make up for free time dragging on for ages. But I find that it never quite does. It is never quite enough.

Signalling Tab on, I keep an eye out for Sev and tinnies. Staples should have their comms by now and giving them funny orders, but you never know. A lot hinges on Staples getting things right. A row of droids comes marching at us, and they do not open fire on sight. That's proof enough. Getting the dets out, we start rigging them.

Staples is counting down on the shared channel. We have to hurry, getting out of sight again and the tinnies march on as if nothing had happened. Well, to them it didn't. Very convenient such a data loss, partial wipe. We retire again. I watch Tab uneasily via the HUD. But he's doing fine.

A bit later we watch from a safe distance as the complex goes boom.

"Too easy," Sev says.

He's right. I just don't know where the whole operation went fishy. Looking at the faces of them neither do they. I shrug it off. Easy jobs win some free time. RV is still some hours off.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note:**  
I am sorry for the long breaks in updating this. The story keeps dropping from my radar and only pops up again when I consider how it was supposed to tie in with another story's sequel. As the sequel approaches, I hope to stay on target more and finish this in time. (Year's end.) _Ni ceta._

* * *

Jedi are no fun to work with. The Force does not show up on any displays and its communications do not use our channels. Still the Jedi will just act on it. That leaves us where?

Yeah - stumped. Standing around like life targets with the frigging Jedi between us and the objectives. Should have put a round through him. Might have given him the idea to clear things up with us first.

But hey, he's a Jedi. He can do that. Make us stand around like fools because we're just clones. I have seen that attitude before, I had just expected better from those who were to command us. Guess I have to lower my high expectations.

At least we get a string of too easy jobs with Master Srenna. I wonder what we're doing. There has to be a better way to employ us. Even Sev is feeling it and he's the last to mind anything. There's also the news of too difficult missions tearing squads apart. Somebody is doing very bad planning.

But we are busy and keep our mouths shut.


	14. Chapter 14

Looks like you're not supposed to talk back to your Jedi.

Sev is in the med wing and I've had some very harsh words for Master Srenna. It is a laudable notion - trying to come to our help - but could he, just for once, take the option into consideration that a plan set up by us will actually work? We do not need his help all the time. I thought we were there to make sure he didn't have to think about something apart of his mission.

It seems that my opinion is not asked for. I wonder what I am doing here then, but it is more important to keep the squad together than fight this out with Srenna. He might be gone in a few missions. Sev, Tab and Staples will not. Cannot. Must not.

I have an official admonition in my file. Sergeant Skirata even called about the fuss and told me that I am not a worse leader for caring about my men but a better one. It feels good to hear, even from him.

"The Jedi don't understand," he says. "Some of them don't even care."

I nod because he's my sergeant. I must not speak against the Jedi; there is sure another admonition waiting. Probably a reprimand for repeated offence. Don't I love the military run by laymen.


	15. Chapter 15

Master Terani now, she could be my granny any day. I don't know what happened to Srenna and I don't care. The Force is his ally, so one way or another he's taken care of. And Master Terani has taken care of us. She doesn't throw a hydrospanner into our operations because she can. I respect that – she respects us.

She has a no-nonsense attitude, allegedly normal after spending years in less civilised places trying to bring peace and order and the Jedi way to the people of the galaxy.

"I put a lotta lightyears intween me an'e Temple," she said. "'An' I know why."

She firmly believes that good is as good does. In our case that includes the complete destruction of a planet's primary export industry. In the case of Noonda, this boils down to a single factory sprawling over several square kilometres. There's the four of us and Master Terani.

"Unfair," she says. "Should let you do the job alone to give them at least the illusion of a chance."

She's beating Tab and Staples in Sabacc, a card game she taught them and they keep insisting Sev and I join. I cave in and agree.

"You teach those dull Joes," Master Terani says and leaves it up to the two jokers. I can see in their eyes that this is not a good idea. To my surprise Sev pulls up a chair, lounges over it carelessly and puts on an expectant face.

Sev has my back. It is not fair, but from the men in my squad, it is him I trust most.


	16. Chapter 16

"Good work." Master Terani lobs a handful of ration bars in our direction. The stuff tastes horrible but still better than the bland nonentities of the cubes we get.

"Hey, Master," Staples calls back, "how come you're not on the gourmet treatment list of the GAR? Ain't you a hero?"

"Ain't no friggin hero," she snaps back. "Dig in and shut up before I shove this stuff up places it isn't meant to go in this state."

Staple grins and bites off half of the bar. "Yes, mmm'mm."

Master Terani beckons me over for one of her short debriefings. All went well, any questions, no, fine. We're to grab some sleep. She'll meditate and see if there's real food somewhere to be had. She does that a lot. Meditating seems to be more restful than sleeping. And food is a problem. Her dislike for the Order – that bunch of unworldly peaceniks as she calls them- lead her to take the commissions that are furthest from them. And she takes us along into the outback of the galaxy. GAR supply lines are heard of in these places – sometimes.

But we're a self-sufficient, self-reliant unit. We were made to work without the backup and safety-lines. With command far away, work tends to be easier, too. Only the food supplies tend to be an annoyance out here.

Kill it 'n eat it. That's Master Terani's attitude towards native wildlife. Where vegetation is concerned she relies on the extensive databases of the HUDs. Unknown plants are off limits.

"I'm not a medic," she says, adding that to the long list of things she's not. "You get yourself killed by a plant instead of Seps and you'll have me to reckon with."

Master Terani has the priorities right.


	17. Chapter 17

"No, it's not an order." Master Terani drops her boots into the sand. "If you're too stupid to see the fun of it, I don't want you in my ocean anyway."

Tab looks at the moving blue plains before us. "22°Celsius water temperature," he comments.

"Perfect!" Master Terani claps him on the back. Then she drops her pack, lightsaber and clothes before running off into the water. "Idiots," she calls back at us.

We look at each other. The suits are temperature controlled. It is never too hot in them. RV is still two hours away. The water is dark blue with golden highlights.

Sev shrugs. He drops his kit and is gone. The way Tab and Staples look at each other I know what they are thinking. Maybe I am thinking it too. The ocean looks splendid.

The ocean _is_ splendid. Cool water splashes up my sides, tingling on the skin, salty on my lips. I can't remember the last time I swam just because. Because it never happened. I dive; the galaxy recedes behind a curtain of soft water and sand under my feet.

But of course, nothing can keep the fighting away. I don't know who started it. I don't know what is is about. But we fight we did, until we gasped for air on salt water and laughter.

In the body suits the water dries off fast. There is not enough sun on our skins, but it is never too cold inside kit. Staples slips a shell into one of his many pockets.


	18. Chapter 18

"Idiots!" Master Terani is chewing us out good. "What have you been thinking?"

"They were following my orders." I am between her and my squad. I cannot feel their thoughts on my back.

"And what were _you_ thinking?" He sharp glare zooms in on me.

"That the advance would distract the enemy forces long enough for you to disconnect the power couplings. With the shield down we had no problem to beat off their attack."

"And if not?" She's really angry. "From that exposed position you could never have retreated. Had I failed, you would be dead now. And who would finish the mission then? Koochoos! Don't throw yourselves away like that!"

I see no point in telling her that we have faith in her abilities.

"I can use the Force, you cannot. So stop acting stupid."

"I will act on the information I have," I say softly. "Since the Force isn't included in that information, my decisions might seem off to you."

"I can't make the Force talk to you."

"Then don't. But for everything else comms work just fine."

She looks at me for a long cold moment. The next shipment of supplies brings a box of tiny battle comms.


	19. Chapter 19

"So much for that." Sev sits down across the table, leans back and crosses his ankles. "Do you think he'll kill himself or her?"

Tab left the room when I came in. He does that again. He also doesn't talk to me anymore. All his glances are glares.

"He'd die anyway," Sev goes on. "Terani will just tear him apart."

I know. I want to intervene, but he'd only hate me more. If that was possible. "Blasted battle comms."

"She could have called on any of us."

"No." I shake my head. "Staples was the only one who could have made it in time." I have to know. I sent him to his position. It was my strategy. No, Master Terani could not have called on anybody else of us.

I'm a horrible sarge. I wish I had sent Tab. He's my last original brother and I wish. I wish I had sent him. I wish he was dead, not Staples.

I don't deserve to be still alive.  
I don't deserve to be their sarge.

I am a failure.


	20. Chapter 20

Terani is gone. Tab didn't kill her. He's even more closed up than Sev was at first. I am still sarge. I wish I wasn't. As always, my opinion doesn't count.

Skirata says that it's normal, understandable, okay. He does his best to cheer me up. He's a hopeless case. Nothing can bring back Staples. A shard of shell is now being carried around in one of Tab's many pockets. There was not much to retrieve.

Sonic dets.

Turning you into liquid before ripping you apart in a spray of red. At least it destroys the voice apparatus fast. None of us will ever forget the bubbling noises. Not the ones over comm, gurgling pain. Not the wet rippling over us through the mics.

Skirata didn't say anything when he heard about it. The lines in has face went all taut. I was glad he wasn't here. He looked ready to kill Terani and that would have caused more problems then it solved. He needs to take care or he'll step out of the boundaries of the military. That will also cause more problems than it'll solve. What we need is a better military – more efficient, run by more capable people, people _trained_ to do this. We need him to help there more than to bemoan our state.

His hard eyes speak of anger too great and almost uncontrolled. General Zey needs to keep an eye on him. Military without order is just an armed mob. I refuse to stoop to that.


	21. Chapter 21

His name is Double. Hid eyes are empty and aflame. His brothers were Corner, Tinkler, Boomer – Sev, Gero, Fiver, Dan, CC, Fi and Kyr.

He doesn't move much, wastes no energy. He sits with Sev and they say nothing as he mantles his Deecee. I sit down with them and the silence blankets everything.

"Tab?" Sev doesn't even look up.

I shake my head and know he knows even if i´he doesn't look up. Tab spends his time alone when he can; lying on his bunk staring holes into the ceiling, exercising beyond the limits of sanity, sieving the holonet we can access for information. When they meet, he nods at Double who never seems to mind the silence.

I am missing the jokes and useless banter. I cannot do anything about it because I used to admonish Tab and Staples for it.

Sev finishes his detailed attentions and clicks the magazine into position. The familiar noise is comforting. "We should send Double to talk to him," he says, "before he chews our ears off."

Double says nothing. After a while he shrugs and gets up.

I put my hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. I'll go."

Double's eyes burn through me. "He'll just kill you." And he's gone.

I sit down again and share the silence with Sev.

"Sorry, sarge."

I like the silence better.


	22. Chapter 22

We're five in the squad now: Sev, Tab, Double me and silence. It hurts to know that it is silence that's holding us together, not me.

Double works well. Even without words he is doing his part as if he'd always been here. Tab cannot forgive that, but he accepts it during action. We function. We move on.

They tried to make us work with a Jedi who didn't even consider learning our names. For undisclosed reasons he didn't react well to being called only Jedi in return. The equality memo must have gotten lost. Probably way back when we were ordered on Kamino. We're used to being second class citizens, but we don't have to be reminded of it constantly.

Skirata went into a rage when he heard. I am not sure if it was due to our situation or the fact that people like that exist at all. I dare not repeat some of the things he said even to myself. He is treading a very thin line there.

But he did get us reassigned, not only because I was not backing down from my stance as long as the Jedi wouldn't. We're taking the brunt of the war. We're in this together. We work like that. Or we don't. Even though we do not have the right not to work. It is hard not to wish Master Terani was back despite everything.

Jedi are a lot of trouble for such a small group.


	23. Chapter 23

We're an Empire now. Not that it changes much. There's more structure in the system, clearer paths of command. Except for Vader who sticks out like a sore thumb from the neat hierarchy. I disapprove, but who has ever asked me for my opinion?

Order 66 was issued. We were not within reach of any Jedi. I am not sure if that was a stroke of luck. I cannot believe they conspired against the Republic. Even those who were all stuck up schmucks cared more about themselves than politics. They wanted to keep their status and the old system would have worked just fine. Not to mention that people like Master Terani didn't even have ties to the formal Order. She wanted to help and get the war over with.

There are rumours of a complete extinction of the Jedi, children and all. A sure sign of a personal agenda of revenge than political measures. Kids don't conspire and to a certain age you can teach them what you want and the will believe it. Don't I know that too well.

But an order is an order, even if it did no concern us. We were tracing a woman across the galaxy. A bioengineer that Palpatine was after. You better have some of those if you have a clone army to keep you in power.

We are called back to Coruscant even though we could not track down the bioengineer we were sent after. The newly enthroned Emperor has other plans with us.


	24. Chapter 24

Skirata has switched sides. He went renegade with some of his clones, Null ARCs and ARCs. Even took a rogue Jedi with him. And he is possibly involved in the disappearance of the bioengineer. I am not unhappy we are off the case. Null ARCs are hard to deal with, even when they're on _your_ side.

We get to mop up instead. There's lists of traitors and missing Jedi. We walk the bowels of the city. We follow the trails across the stars. And each time we return to Imperial Centre, there is one name less on the lists. I wonder why they renamed the planet. It's not as if anybody would use the new name except in public. But new governments need new faces.

We get new faces as well. It seems ridiculous, but there you go, less protection for jobs no less dangerous. I hear about those going after renegade Jedi and returning as fried fillet. The kartan kit was at least a little protection against lightsabers.

The squads seem generally unhappy with the Jedi. And now we can talk about it. The experiences are so similar. Almost as if we never left Kamino. Almost as if even life after Kamino only held a limited set of experiences for us.

What we do not hear, and do not speak, is the squads who did not follow Order 66. I am not the only one unconvinced. Most of us did our duty, some of us dying in the line of service. But a few did not. Their names and fates are whisper, a ghost within our ranks. The word 'desertion' is never far from them and we fear that as much as ever.

Because we are still assets. Because there is still no way for us to leave the army except KIA.


	25. Chapter 25

He was our age and now he is dead. The lanky kid just crumbled into a heap of limbs with surprise written all over his features. He was just a kid.

The name didn't say, the age was in the file of course, but a printed number is not reliable. Look at our age and who we are. What we are. Years mean nothing. Everything has changed.

And still we did not, but did. And still we are just obeying orders. The people giving them changed and their drift changed, but all in all we're doing what we always did: what we are told. I think of cities destroyed and planets ravaged by war. Children died there, too. In the end it makes no difference to them, if we destroy their means of life or their life directly. The result is the same. And we move on to the next target.

Single people are easier to kill than armies or cities. They are also more difficult to find. But we have experience already. The Empire is but a few weeks old and already this is more normal to us than battlefields. I am not sure I like it. The job is safer. Double's happy doing it. Tab is never happy and this kind of work doesn't distract him as thoroughly as former missions did. Sev is at my side and his heavy glances tell me everything.

We collect the lightsaber and move on.


	26. Chapter 26

So our reputation precedes us. It does not matter that our Jedi kills so far were the young and inexperienced.

It does not matter that sometimes I see their eyes haunting me at night. Eyes full of questions, eyes not understanding what went wrong. They did not conspire, but they die nevertheless. It is a dirty job. We cannot refuse.

I'd rather go back to pursuing traitors – those who turned their backs on us. I want to know where they went, why they left, I want to hear all their reasons, and even more than that I want to make sure they return. I don't think there should be a second option. The galaxy is still in chaos and will be until the war is really over.

"They should let us keep the sabers," Double says. He likes the Jedi least of us. He is eager about each of them. I do not dare to ask what his commanding Jedi committed as mistakes.

"Ask Lord Vader about that," Sev suggests. Unfortunately, Double looks as if he might do exactly that. Sometimes I feel he has no survival instinct. "Yeah, Holy Roly'd have a fit."

Silence descends again. I look for Tab again. He should be back any minute now, hair dyed blonde and bearded to better mingle with the crowds. It might not have worked on Triple Zero where our face have been around a little. But out here, he's just another face and clones are clonkers, only white. We're all uncomfortable out of kit.

Then Tab is back, stretching his legs under the table and ordering one of those extremely sweet lemonades. He's got good news. The target is still on planet, he could even see her.

"No kid this time." Tab empties half his glass in one gulp.

We look like a bunch of rabble huddled over the table. But even if we have to go without kit, we'd never go unarmed. And the one advantage being incognito has, is the free choice of interesting weapons.

Double gets ready for the next recce run. I am uneasy about it, but so far he has never stepped out of line. I hope this won't be the day he does.

"Only look, no touching," I warn him anyways.


	27. Chapter 27

"This is not how it works, buddy," a voice behind me says. By the reaction of the squad I know who she is. Neither of us spares a split moment to glance at Tab.

Then we explode into action, our minds a jumble while we work on reflexes. My chair crashes into the Jedi, I am already off it, turning, lining my holdout blaster up with her head, reaching for the knife.

The hum of a lightsaber tears through the air above me, but before it can reach my head it veers off to bat away shots coming from Tab and Double. I roll away, aiming my knife at the foot. She kicks it away, but there is a red mark. I never wished for comm so desperately. But we're still there as yet; all of us.

The others spread in an attempt to surround the Jedi. Most targets react agreeable to this, thinking we'll only shoot each other. But this one knows better. She must, since she has escaped from at least one attack like this before. Her saber comes down in a vicious sweep. I manage to get away just in time, feeling its heat searing through my sleeve.

Double shouts something. I hear him scream, growl. Tab and Sev respond to him but when I turn my head, our table crashes into my skull. The crack is deafening.


	28. Chapter 28

Commander Melusar looks tense. He doesn't pace, though. Still his uneasiness is contagious. I want to squirm and that is an all time first. I feel naked without my armour, even more so without my squad. Melusar eyes me closely. Finally he sits down.

"I need your help," he says. Names. So few people know them, even fewer use them. He does and it feels right. There is nobody left to say my name. When I woke up in the med bay of a Star Destroyer en route back to Coruscant, I was alone. There was a lightsaber on my bedside table. The only remainder of the mission accomplished. I asked no questions. I have no words.

I have no squad. There is only me. Blasted Jedi. Blasted defectors, deserters, traitors.

"What is the job?" There is no squad to consider, no Staples, no Sev, no Double – no Tab, Sev and Ogle. There is only me.

"Subterfuge," he says almost reluctantly. "Deceit, defraud and deep intelligence work. There are many Jedi who escaped and those who helped them. Aiding and abetting the enemy. We cannot allow it."

I nod. He is right, we cannot. And I cannot. I lost my whole squad. One second sarge, next second sole survivor. Damned rebels. If I could, I'd burn their whole galaxy. I'll burn what I can get. Insurgence and uprising and for what? Nothing but dead _vode _and more broken them all burn who can justify that.

"We might have discovered a whole network operating right under the noses of our intelligence," Melusar says. "We need to infiltrate it and shut it down, neutralise all involved."

"I can do that, sir." Whatever it takes to stop those _chakaare_. Whatever it takes to finally stop the rebellion and the fighting. A job worth doing. Three years of war are enough.

Commander Melusar's face lights up and his whole body language signals relief. "I knew I could count on you."

"My pleasure." I mean it. If only people would stop fighting their legitimate government we could all go home. Well, I can help there. "When do I start?"

"You will get a thorough briefing and a few days to get used to your new life before we insert you into the suspicious cell. Mistakes are unacceptable. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir!"

"You will also have to conceal your whole former life." He sounds apologetic.

But there is nothing to apologise for. If I can conceal, the pain will not be so acute; the loss won't be so fresh each morning when I open my eyes alone in a room for four. "Of course, sir."

"Dismissed."

I get up to leave.

"And," - I turn around my hand already on the door knob as he speaks up again - "thank you, Rede."

I salute with a smile. There is nothing to be grateful for yet. But there will be. I promise.


End file.
